Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"Shoot 'Em Up" (full of fail)

The past few posts have been about things I like. Well, to balance it out, here's something I really, really don't like.

"Shoot 'Em Up" directed by Michael Davis, starring Clive Owen, Monica Bellucci and Paul Giamatti, was the worst movie I saw in 2007. Quite frankly, it's one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Now, I'm a fan of Clive Owens...and Bellucci is a fucking minx...and Giamatti is tolerable (he kind of reminds me of a not-cool Jon "Yeah! That's the ticket!" Lovitz)...but this fucking god-awful abomination of a motion picture should die. It's got a friggin sex scene with Bellucci, and they don't show her boobs! FAIL. The movie's not even the type of bad where it's so outrageously bad, it's actually good (I should drop some examples, but I'm drawing a blank.) It's just fucking bad. There's no bother in explaining the plot. It sucks and it's shitty retarded and the dialogue makes me wish I never learned English.

For reals, I can't roll with you if you actually like this movie. It's like saying you don't like "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder...there's just something not right about saying that.

Now it's got me thinking that people are going to want to watch it to see how really bad it is. Great. I just made the douchewads who made the movie a few dollars richer. Seriously...who the fuck actually greenlighted this piece of crapola? I'd like to meet them and lay 'em straight with a few of my ideas. For one, I sure as fuck know that there's gonna be titties in my movie. Fucking idiots. I'm reading up on some reviews on Rotton Tomatoes, and some people are writing that the point of the movie was to be campy and over-the-top (now there's a great movie). Am I the one who's missing something? How could I?? I have a sense of humor. I'm relatively smart. For reals, for reals?

Whatevers...that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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